Thursday, July 06, 2017

Helping a friend through divorce

I wish that I was not joining the ranks of the divorced. This is not what I wanted for myself, my life, or my marriage.  It was not initiated by me, although I am now pushing forward to complete the process.

I wish more than anything that this was not my life path. But it is. And I have learned a few things along the way, that might be helpful for those who are helping a friend through divorce. 

The helpful things:

1. You can attempt to recognize the extent of the impact of the divorce
A divorce is said to be like a death with no body. This is true. The ugly withered fingers of divorce work their work into just about every area of your life.  For me, I lost my home, my pets, and started over with $0 in my bank account. Everything changes in an instant. Your friend will feel like the bottom dropped out from under them.

2. You can offer your friend grace when they are too tired, sad, or otherwise having difficulties coping
Divorce takes a tremendous amount of energy.  Just existing takes energy. Your friend likely won't be as productive as they once were. They might be too exhausted to keep up with social obligations. They probably won't remember dates, times, or other things.  Extend them grace. My employer has been tremendously gracious to me throughout this season of my life, and I cannot express my gratitude enough.

3.Make sure your friend is eating healthy food
One of my colleagues gave me gift cards to the cafeteria to make sure that I was eating real food. Other friends brought me coffee, invited me out for breakfast, or otherwise made sure that I was actually consuming food and not subsisting on cereal and bananas.

4. The little things matter more than you will ever know
The little things that so many of my friends did for me will not be forgotten. Allowing me to do laundry in their homes so that I didn't have to pay for the Laundromat. Picking me up from the airport so I didn't have to take an Uber. Asking me how I was doing and listening to the answer. Making me laugh with funny instagram pictures and cat videos and pictures of their children.

5. Make sure your friend has a place to go with you
Holidays are hard. Weekends are hard. Special days like anniversaries and birthdays are hard. I am thankful for all the people who reached out to me and took me out for coffee and trips to the farmer's market or walks or board game nights so that I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts. I am thankful for my family who flew me home to Montana for Easter.


The not so helpful things
1. Don't draw comparisons
Every divorce is different, just like every marriage is different. Your divorce/your parents divorce/your siblings/friends/neighbor's divorce is going to be different from mine. Just because you have lived through a divorce in some capacity does not automatically make us the same.

2. Don't triangulate/enable triangulation
This is just good advice for life, but also good advice in the aftermath of a divorce.  Don't tell me about what my ex is doing. Don't carry messages to/from my ex. Just don't.

3. Don't give advice/pass judgment
I unfriended and blocked someone really quickly for saying, "every divorce has two people involved in it and two sides to the story" when I reached out for support on a particularly bad day. Also, don't give advice unless specifically asked.

4. Don't slander my ex
Of course this is something that I want to do, and I may even do in therapy and with my close friends. But it is not helpful for you to do it for me.  Please don't.

5. Don't treat me any differently
I have experienced a loss, but I am not lost. My heart was broken, but I am not broken. I am angry, but I am not enraged. Please just be my friend.