Monday, July 31, 2017

Breaking Point

I work in a field where I am reminded every day that someone out there has it worse than I do. But today feels like an insurmountable day. It feels like there are mountains to climb and I just can't do it. I am doing my best to survive my divorce, but it is really, really hard. I am hoping that writing about it will help today.

My ex (she who shall not be named) and I began to have issues last summer, nearly one year ago. I am not going to tell her actions to the internet because I am attempting to keep in check my desire to slander her. She wronged me greatly, and I will leave it there.

We tried many months of therapy. We tried a couple months of separation while she was in Washington, DC. Nothing worked. On Valentine's Day, she told me that she had fallen out of love with me. She began to mention divorce.

We agreed to a trial separation for the spring.  It was to be twelve weeks. I located an apartment for us, I would take the first six weeks, she the second. I packed up belongings to take to the apartment. I wasn't happy with this solution, but I was attempting to make it work.  I got really sick just before I was to move. She had to move all my belongings out of our shared house and into the apartment while I slept for days on end. 

After I emerged from the fog of sickness, she told me to drive to my new apartment. She said this wasn't permanent, it was just a trial. Until she told me differently two days later.

On April 3, she said she wanted a divorce. This is the day that everything changed. I shifted in my mind from being married to being divorced. Up until that point, she was the one who wanted divorce. From this moment,  I wanted the divorce. I wanted to be free from nearly a year of unrelenting pain and walking on eggshells and weekends where she would kick me out of our house and make me stay in a hotel because she didn't want to see me.

What do you do on the day when your whole life falls apart?  I went to work, because I didn't know what else to do. And I have been forging forward and attempting to put the pieces back together ever since. 

The actual process of divorcing has been a nightmare. We attempted a collaborative divorce process. This was an attempt to save money and expedite the process. But she has dragged her feet and stuck her head in the sand all along. She has gone many weeks without communicating with me or our financial planner (who is doing the division of assets) and our attorneys. She has blocked my calls and text messages. She refuses to turn in documents that are requested by the financial planner. This has now dragged on for four months.

I am at my breaking point today. I am at a loss of what to do. I am again mired in the concrete of her passive aggressive refusal to move forward. She has yet again refused to turn in required documents. Our financial planner is going on vacation for a week. So I am staring down another week with no progress. No potential of filing the divorce decree this week. Another week of unknowing and still being entangled with someone with whom I want no further contact.

I am no longer hurt, I am enraged. I am enraged that I have become the driver of this divorce. I am enraged that she refuses to extend even a shred of common courtesy to me or to the professionals attempting to facilitate our divorce.

I am heartbroken at the hatred I feel for someone that I used to love. I am heartbroken at the coldness and calculation with which she has approached this divorce. 

Today is a breaking point for me. I am just not sure yet what has broken.

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Helping a friend through divorce

I wish that I was not joining the ranks of the divorced. This is not what I wanted for myself, my life, or my marriage.  It was not initiated by me, although I am now pushing forward to complete the process.

I wish more than anything that this was not my life path. But it is. And I have learned a few things along the way, that might be helpful for those who are helping a friend through divorce. 

The helpful things:

1. You can attempt to recognize the extent of the impact of the divorce
A divorce is said to be like a death with no body. This is true. The ugly withered fingers of divorce work their work into just about every area of your life.  For me, I lost my home, my pets, and started over with $0 in my bank account. Everything changes in an instant. Your friend will feel like the bottom dropped out from under them.

2. You can offer your friend grace when they are too tired, sad, or otherwise having difficulties coping
Divorce takes a tremendous amount of energy.  Just existing takes energy. Your friend likely won't be as productive as they once were. They might be too exhausted to keep up with social obligations. They probably won't remember dates, times, or other things.  Extend them grace. My employer has been tremendously gracious to me throughout this season of my life, and I cannot express my gratitude enough.

3.Make sure your friend is eating healthy food
One of my colleagues gave me gift cards to the cafeteria to make sure that I was eating real food. Other friends brought me coffee, invited me out for breakfast, or otherwise made sure that I was actually consuming food and not subsisting on cereal and bananas.

4. The little things matter more than you will ever know
The little things that so many of my friends did for me will not be forgotten. Allowing me to do laundry in their homes so that I didn't have to pay for the Laundromat. Picking me up from the airport so I didn't have to take an Uber. Asking me how I was doing and listening to the answer. Making me laugh with funny instagram pictures and cat videos and pictures of their children.

5. Make sure your friend has a place to go with you
Holidays are hard. Weekends are hard. Special days like anniversaries and birthdays are hard. I am thankful for all the people who reached out to me and took me out for coffee and trips to the farmer's market or walks or board game nights so that I didn't have to be alone with my thoughts. I am thankful for my family who flew me home to Montana for Easter.


The not so helpful things
1. Don't draw comparisons
Every divorce is different, just like every marriage is different. Your divorce/your parents divorce/your siblings/friends/neighbor's divorce is going to be different from mine. Just because you have lived through a divorce in some capacity does not automatically make us the same.

2. Don't triangulate/enable triangulation
This is just good advice for life, but also good advice in the aftermath of a divorce.  Don't tell me about what my ex is doing. Don't carry messages to/from my ex. Just don't.

3. Don't give advice/pass judgment
I unfriended and blocked someone really quickly for saying, "every divorce has two people involved in it and two sides to the story" when I reached out for support on a particularly bad day. Also, don't give advice unless specifically asked.

4. Don't slander my ex
Of course this is something that I want to do, and I may even do in therapy and with my close friends. But it is not helpful for you to do it for me.  Please don't.

5. Don't treat me any differently
I have experienced a loss, but I am not lost. My heart was broken, but I am not broken. I am angry, but I am not enraged. Please just be my friend.

Thursday, April 13, 2017

Why I'm breaking up with the ELCA

I have started and re-started this post so many times. I wish there was an easy way to say this. I used to love the ELCA. But I don't anymore.

This is my story of how I broke up with the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America.

I have literally been a lifelong Lutheran. I was baptized at just over one month old at Hope Lutheran Church, in Bozeman, MT. As a child, church was a place of comfort and belonging. I played my trombone in the church. I was an active member of youth group. I went to Lutheran bible camp. "Lutheran" to me always had connotations of warmth and home.

I went to a Lutheran liberal arts college. I spent six summers working at two different Lutheran bible camps. I participated in a  Lutheran volunteer program for a year. I used to be proud to be a Lutheran.

Just before I turned 30 I followed the call to seminary. I attended a Methodist seminary, because it was in Denver and so was I. I entered into candidacy, the process that prepares seminarians to become pastors.  I had a wonderfully supportive candidacy committee. They nurtured me and helped me to grow. Seminary was a great experience. I loved Clinical Pastoral Education. I loved my internship. I got clarity on what God was calling me to do, which is the hope of any vocation, and I learned that I was called to be a hospital chaplain.

This is not acceptable in the eyes of the ELCA. 

Chaplaincy is considered a "specialized ministry" in the ELCA. Other ministries in this category are military chaplaincy, campus ministry, and outdoor ministry.  Before you can receive a call to specialized ministry (a piece of fancy paper that allows you to receive ELCA benefits, pension, and so on), you are required to serve as a parish pastor for three years. This is referred to as the "3 year rule."

I have heard from several bishops, who shall remain nameless, the following with regards to this rule:

"It is the only way that you will learn how to be a Lutheran leader."
"The parish is the location of the ministry of word and sacrament."
"We have a clergy shortage in parishes."
"We need first call pastors to be in congregations that could not otherwise afford them." (ie: cheap labor)
"The truest calling to the ministry of word and sacrament is to be a parish pastor."
"Every one else has had to do it, and so do you."

But somehow, something magical happens after three years in a parish that allows you to do specialized ministry.

I will admit that I have known about this rule since I entered seminary. I also knew that it would be extraordinarily difficult to bypass. I will own that.  However, if your bishop is willing to bring an exception regarding this 3 year rule to the other bishops, the Council of Bishops, it is likely that your exception will be granted.  This is particularly frustrating because different bishops are more rigid gatekeepers than other bishops. In other words, if your bishop likes you, they will bring an exception on your behalf. If your bishop doesn't like you, you are out of luck.

This year I found myself with a full-time chaplain job and only 6 months of parish ministry experience. (Because the yearlong parish internship doesn't count as experience.) I also found myself in trouble with my bishop.

When I asked if an exception to the three years rule could be made, I was denied. I was also advised to "leave this denomination if you can't follow the rules." Shortly thereafter I was thanked for my "caring and compassionate ministry in this city." Which feels like a kick in the stomach, given that this same ministry is not recognized as Word and Sacrament until three years have passed while working in a parish.

This denomination needs to evolve or it will die. The ministry of word and sacrament isn't confined to a church. The role of parish pastor is just one expression of word and sacrament ministry. It is not possible to make every candidate fit a parish-shaped hole. Just because you have open congregations that cannot afford to pay a pastor with more experience doesn't mean that you should force people into serving parishes who have another calling.

I am a chaplain in my soul. I love my work. It gets me out of bed every day and I fall asleep satisfied every night. I can point to tangible things that I do to alleviate suffering in this broken world every single day. I am happily doing ministry, perhaps some of the best evangelism there is, at the bedside of my patients. I hear from many people that having a chaplain at the bedside of their dying loved one is such a comfort, and might inspire them to return to a church. 

I am doing God's work. I am doing sacred, beautiful, painful, and holy work. It is not in a parish. It does not directly support a congregation. I am doing the thing that I simply must do. 

And so, because the denomination of my baptism, confirmation, first communion, and ordination will not recognize this work, I am breaking up with the ELCA. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

On Talking to Children About Death and grief







Recently, some of my online groups have been talking about how to talk to children about death and grief. I realized that I am in a unique position with my work at the intersection of life and death to share what I have learned, since I visit with many children and their families about death and grief.

I have found that the resource, "What Will I Tell the Children?" published by the University of Nebraska Medical Center has been one of the most useful pieces of literature for me.

Here are some of the things that I have learned in my work as a hospital chaplain about how best to support children with regards to the death of a loved one.

1. The importance of security and secure attachments cannot be stated enough. If the child is experiencing the death of a parent, they need security that they will be cared for.  They need to know that adults will meet their needs. It is best to explicitly say this. It can be as simple as, "I know your mom has cared for you up until now, but now we, your aunt and uncle, will be taking care of you. You will live with us."  If the child is experiencing the death of a grandparent or other relative, they might feel like their parents could die too.  Listen to these fears because they are real. Share that while everyone will die someday, that time will likely not be for a very long time.

2. Help your child to say goodbye  This can take place at the bedside or at the funeral service. Encourage the child to say goodbye in their own way.  The Four Gifts of Dying ("I love you", "Thank You", "I'm Sorry" and "Goodbye") are as appropriate for children as they are for adults. If the death was sudden, encourage the child to write or dictate a letter to the person that died. It can be buried or cremated.

3. Give accurate, age-appropriate information about the dying process Use simple concrete language. Do not use euphemisms such as "lost" or "passed." Do not be afraid to say "Dead" or "Death." Talk about how once someone has died, they do not hurt anymore. Be prepared for questions like "What happens after death?" and "Where does the body go?" It is okay to let your child know that you do not have all the answers.

4. Keep the lines of communication open  Let your child know that they are always welcome to talk. Talking about the loss of their loved one is important and won't cause additional pain. You can say, "I miss Grandpa too. Do you remember some fun times we had together?" 

5. Enlist the help of outside resources  Involve your child's school (principal, social worker and school psychologist), church (if relevant), and therapists (such as play therapists or family therapists).  Let your child know that they are many people who care about their well-being.

6. Normalize Grief  Let your child know that it is okay to feel sad, angry, or happy. Sometimes it is possible to feel all those feelings at the same time. Say that the intensity of these feelings will come and go and whatever they are feeling is okay.

7. Understand the long-ranging concerns Children and teenagers who are losing loved ones might be concerned about the future. They might ask, "Where will we spend Christmas now that Grandma is dead?" or "Who will walk me down the aisle at my wedding if Dad is dead?" Provide love and reassurance. Recognize that birthdays, holidays and other special days such as graduations, proms and weddings will come with grief.

Monday, March 06, 2017

On listening

My online friend, and fellow worker at the intersection of life and death, Caleb Wilde, said something profound the other day.  He said, "Sometimes the only answer is a deeply listening ear."

One of the things that Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) trains out of you is the impulse to fill spaces with words. It is a human impulse to want to say something comforting or meaningful or give an answer. People of faith are particularly terrible about doing this.  The motivation behind it is generally pure, to offer comfort, but it shuts people down.

I spend lots of time sitting in silence.  People often tell me, "your job must be so hard" or "how do you do it?" And my answer is that nothing that I do is exceptionally difficult, but it is not easy.

There are many, many times that I say nothing at all. I bear silent, compassionate witness to suffering.  I speak words of comfort, but I give no answers. Because they are not mine to give.  I provide education, such as about the physical symptoms of dying, but I never provide predictions. But most of the time I just listen.  Perhaps this is what makes my job difficult.

I believe it is possible to be accustomed to the physical challenges of this job (to cease being disturbed by trauma or the sights, sounds and smells that accompany hospital chaplaincy. Or if I am disturbed, it no longer keeps me awake at night.) but the spiritual and emotional challenges are another thing entirely.   It is absolutely contrary to human nature to say nothing sometimes.  But part of being a spiritual caregiver is knowing when to speak and knowing when to listen.

And in the deepest suffering, words provide little comfort.  But showing up, being fully there, and not being repulsed by suffering (as it is human suffering to want to run away) is the essence of chaplaincy.  Whenever someone starts wailing in the ER or on the floors, I run toward the sounds of human grief.  I take so many grieving mothers and weeping children into my arms.  I hold the hands of dads and husbands who are crumbling in the face of trying to be strong. I listen not only with my ears, but with my soul.

Chaplaincy is when I listen to your soul with mine.

On Hope

Hope is a tricky thing when you are a chaplain. There is always the fear of "offering hope" when there might be none. Or that when people ask for hope they are really talking about something else, like extending life. 

Or they are praying for a miracle, which is a whole different topic. And begging for its own blog post.

The other day on my rounds on the behavioral health unit, a patient asked me for hope.  This was one of those moments (among many) that i stop and pray for God's guidance and that God would give me the words that I needed, because I did not want to screw this up.

But sometimes, when people ask about hope, they are asking for existential hope.  In that moment of conversation with God, where God led me was existential hope. Not the far off hope of "things will be made okay in God's time" but a hope for now.

Our behavioral health units are really good. The staff is incredibly caring. The rooms are private. But if you are there, hope is in short supply. As someone who has struggled with the existential despair of depression, I understand all too well the lack of hope that comes at times with mental illness.

What I offered to my patient was a reframing of this experience as a season. Just as the grim winter days of Minnesota slowly give way to spring, so too the grim days of depression give way to a different season. Just as we must simply hold on until spring comes, we must simply hold on until a new day dawns with depression.

This is not a passive waiting around for time to pass.  It involves making the best of what is in front of you at the time. With winter, it is about warmth and coziness and fighting back despair with hot chocolate and sledding and being with loved ones.

With mental illness, the season waiting for the season to pass is about being engaged in therapies, taking medications if that is your choice, and doing the things that have helped in the past, because odds are, they will help again.

In the situation with this patient, and in many situations that cry out for hope, hope is cyclical. It has existed once, it will likely exist again.  Sometimes we need to be reminded of that. Sometimes we need someone to hold our hope for us.  That is yet another function of that many that a chaplain performs.

When it feels like hope is far away, I can remind you that it has been there before and odds are, hope will again return.



Monday, January 09, 2017

Sabbath Coffee Tour: Vicinity Coffee (43rd Street and Nicollet)

 After a bit of a hiatus, the Sabbath Coffee Tour returns!

This morning I held my office hours at Vicinity Coffee in South Minneapolis, at 43rd and Nicollet.  This coffee shop was formerly called Bull Run Coffee. This particular location shares a building with the corporate distributors of Sebastian Joe's ice cream. Therefore, there is always ice cream available.

Vicinity Coffee roasts their own coffee.  I sampled their delicious vanilla latte (they make their own infused simple syrup).  They also have a number of specialty lattes with colorful names like Boone's Beard, Shot in the Nuts, and Fist in the Face.  The Nicollet location also has an expansive lunch menu (the Lyndale location does not have this same option). This coffee shop serves gluten free baked goods (always a plus for me!) as well as other pastries.

The espresso is smooth, the vanilla is real, and the latte goes down easily.  I am not generally one for flavored lattes, but this one is a winner. 

The coffee shop itself maximizes the use of a small space.  There is an large table with plenty of outlets and work space in the middle of the shop.  There are smaller tables, as well as a bar, for other seating options. There is free wifi. 

There is plenty of street parking available off Nicollet on either side, but no dedicated parking lot. The working environment is pretty average. Not too loud, but not too quiet.  A good place for routine tasks, but not necessarily for tasks requiring more focus.

On New Year's Resolutions and New Creations


Grace, peace, and mercy are yours from the Triune God. Amen

Today is a secular holiday, as the church marks the start of its new year with the beginning of Advent.  But 2016 has been such a tough year for so many of us, that in this place of faithful Christian community, it feels important to ritualize the passing of 2016 and look with hope into 2017. 
The past year has been laden with heavy burdens.  Burdens in our world with continuing war and strife all over the globe, with world leaders who seem to care only for their own wants instead of the well-being of their countries. Burdens in our country, with political discourse that has taken leave from common decency and continued tragedies with guns and drugs. Burdens in our city and our neighborhoods with racism and sexism and a lack of affordable housing and healthcare. Burdens in our own lives with concerns of health and grief and mental illness and infertility and wondering if we might ever feel happy or safe again.
Hear these words from Jesus, “Come to me all who are weary and carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”  And here these words from me, as your pastor, “May you find rest in this worship today. Set down your burdens here, just for this hour, and rest in God’s love.”
It feels exhausting to be human sometimes. To always be trying to make ourselves better.  With the start of the new year, some of us are probably making New Year’s Resolutions. I know that I have already registered for a few road races in the New Year and have been logging miles on the treadmill already. The desire to make ourselves into something new feels particularly acute this time of year.  With a tough year behind us, the need to make something more of 2017 is real.  We want something new.
Hear these words from our reading this morning, “If anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation; everything old has passed away; see everything has become new!” Paul is writing these words to the community gathered at Corinth who are struggling to live peacefully with one another.  It might have been a time similar to ours. A time in which corrupt power ruled the day, money came before the wellbeing of other people, and people fought with one another. I believe these words are a perfect preparation for the new year.
              We are made a new creation not because of anything we do, but because of what God does for us. God creates us anew each day.  Being made new is not dependent on having the right new year’s resolution or getting physically fit or eating right, but rather, is because of what God has done for us. Today, set down the burdens of being human and rest.  Rest in God’s re-creating of you as a beloved new creation.
In just a few moments we will embark together on 15 minutes of shared silence. There are several stations available for you.  There is a station for healing prayer in the choir loft.  There is a station available for lighting prayer candles.  I invite you to write down your burdens on a piece of dissolving paper and place it into the font, dissolving it in the waters of rebirth.  There is also a book of gratitude in the narthex where you can write the things for which you are thankful. You can make a paper crane with your intentions for hope and peace and new creation in the new year.  Or you can simply remain in your seat and pray.

Be made new, beloved people of Christ.